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[Sep 22nd] I started smoking again, due to recent poor influences and an apparent low level of will power in my life... hopefully not perminatly. I quit smoking three years ago and successfully traded it, like all my other vices for another. When I bought that first pack after 3 years, it was like I'd never been away. I treated my packs compulsively... or perhaps just habitually. I suppose after 9 years of smoking it becomes second nature, even with a significant hayatus. Without a thought, I found myself packing it exactly the same way, turned over the same lucky and took each cigarette from the front right corner of the pack. I smoke each cigarette and count down the last 3 drags. I partook in this fashion until down to my lucky, which I just finished and dropped into an empty can of beer. I loved cigarettes. I don't love them anymore. It was strange to smoke my lucky, as I don't remember what was lucky about it 3 years ago. Nothing lucky in my life 3 years ago I can imagine still holding lucky today. Someone said to me, once a smoker...always a smoker. I think it's just a case of old habits die hard. stiff upper lips♥

[Sep 12th] I started writing my book. thats a plus I've been really low these past few days. I wonder if this book has anything to do with it. I hope it doesnt kill me When I was younger, probably somewhere between 10 and 12, my family and I went to Schartners Farm. It was close to fall, fall vegetation was an attraction, 12' tall hay stacks had been rolled and bundled and placed in the field directly side by side. My family was doing their thing, picking pumpkins and what not as I walked from atop hay stack to adjascent haystack. Eventually my family turned to realize I wasnt there anymore. They called my name and with no response realized something was wrong. I could hear them, but they couldnt hear me. I had fallen between hay stacks and was suffocating somewhere between 12' and a relentless weight of hay. I couldnt breathe, I couldnt scream, I could just inhale dust and straw, I couldnt even cough it out of my throat. Eventually my dad's arm reached in and pulled me out by my shirt. My lungs felt like theyd been released from a vice. I feel like that's kind of how my life is right now. I'm stuck, its hard to breathe and I can't make a sound. I'm just waiting for that arm to come by and extract me. I'm a needle in the biggest hay stack I've ever fallen into 4 ♥ stiff upper lips♥

[Jul 25th] I wonder if I started writing in this thing again if there would even still be anyone around to read it. I don't even care Its funny how much my life has changed from this time last year. I barely even recognize it. It's like NYC never even happened Every move I make feels like the wrong move, and a move made 2 steps behind. I'm almost 24 and I'm going to a new student orientation. I'm so embarrassed. I crack jokes about it all day long... but I'm mortified. I mean, I'm not a freshman or anything, if that were the case I'd just say fuck it. Whatever, it'll be over before I know it, then I can pull my head out of the sand. at least I'm prettier, smarter, funnier, more creative and on my way to being more successful than all the unsupportive fucks around me. thanks self, that made me feel better haha ugh what am I doing 3 ♥ stiff upper lips♥

[Oct 16th] i wish i had an easier time saying fuck it... and meaning it. stiff upper lips♥

running on empty [Sep 17th] I didnt sleep even a brief moment last night. Joe and I are breaking up This long distance thing isnt working We're fooling ourselves to think we could do 3 years of this. We really love eachother I keep thinking I'm gonna come up with this brilliant idea thats going to save everything I feel like Joe is my last lifeline and I'm about to cut it off I feel like I'm going to drown in this city, in school I have so much work to do and I cant bring myself to go into school. My eyes are swollen huge, i have 0 energy. ugh what am I doing? I finally trust someone, and I'm afraid I wont be able to find anything like that in this city. I'm completely alone here and I'm drowning and that stupid fergie song came on and i think im gonna throw up 2 ♥ stiff upper lips♥

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